Is Justin (my ex-boyfriend...ouch...I didn't realize how much it would hurt to actually put that down...) trying to see how many times he can break my heart before it just won't rebuild anymore? Because that's what it feels like. This is the third time he's done this. Not broken up with me per se, but broken my heart. The first time was when he chose another girl over me, the day after I fell madly passionately in love with him. The second time was about two months into our relationship where we went on a break because he wanted the chance to date another girl. And this time, he broke up with me the day after our six-month anniversary because "it just doesn't feel right anymore."
Well, THIS doesn't feel right to me. This...emptiness. This feeling of being utterly lost and completely alone. No matter where I turn, I can't find a friendly face. I just want him back. I just want him to love me again because I can't stand sitting here, wondering what I could have done better, what I should have done differently, how to make him love me and if he ever really did love me. I gave him EVERYTHING. Everything. And he threw it in the dust. He says he cares, but it's obvious he doesn't because if he did he wouldn't be doing this to me. He wouldn't be breaking my heart. He wouldn't have caused this tightness in my throat that never goes away, the knot in my stomach that refuses to come undone. He wouldn't be making me shed these tears everytime I think of him - which is about every three seconds.
He wouldn't be causing this despair that's welling up in me and makes me want to just go to sleep and never wake up because that way it'll stop hurting. It feels not just like my heart's been ripped out but my better half as well. Because it's only when I'm with him that I'm truly, 100% happy, content, and at peace. It's only with him that I feel safe and wanted and loved. And now I have none of that. Who am I supposed to turn to for love and support now that he's out of the picture? My family? Bah! They're so caught up in my parent's divorce (including my parents themselves) that they barely even realize I'm alive and when they do, all they do is criticize and/or yell at me.
Whatever he says, I can't make it through this. I can't survive without him there, without knowing that he's somewhere in the world being my boyfriend, loving me, thinking about me, wondering how I'm doing and if I'm ok. I'm not strong. Yes, I put out this facade that I can take anything, but I can't. I can't deal with waking up every morning, feeling hopeless and not knowing why until the memory comes back to me and I begin crying all over again because I've got to make it through another day without him by my side. He was my secret well of strength. He was my rock, my wall. He was...everything. He was everything I wanted and all I ever needed to be happy. And now I've lost that. I've lost the one thing that meant more to me than the rest of the world combined.
I don't understand. Why is this happening to me? Why, when I need him the most, does he turn on me? What did I do wrong? What did I do that made him stop loving me and stop wanting to be with me? And more importantly, how can I change it? I can pretend all I want that it doesn't matter, that I'm fine with just being friends with him, possibly even "friends with benefits" but I know that every time I touch him, every time I see him, that tightness in my throat will tighten just a little bit more, and that knot will knot itself up even more, and I'll have to work even harder not to let the tears fall and beg him to love me again.
It hurts. It hurts so much. And I'll never get over this. I'll never get over how he hurt me. But at the same time, I'd forgive him in a second if he wanted me back, because I love him so much that I'd walk through hell and back just to see him smile, and he knows that.
Justin....if ever somehow you find this and read it, please just know that I love you and I'm sorry for whatever it was that made you feel you needed out. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to make you anything but 110% happy, but I couldn't. I don't know what I did wrong, but I'm sorry. But I can't stand this, I can't stand sitting here knowing that you're out there somewhere and I don't belong to you. I just want to belong to you. Because it's only when I'm yours that I feel okay about life. And I can't stand this heartache, this bleeding that just won't end. I'm never ever going to love anyone even half as much as I love you, and I just want you to know that. And you'll probably never read this, but someday you might find it. Someday you might realize that you love me and want to be with me again.
I can't give up hope, because sometimes...hope is all we have.
If anyone out there reading this is religious, please, I ask you to pray for me. Don't pray that he'll take me back...pray that I'll live. Pray that it'll stop hurting me, stop tearing my lungs out with every breath, stop the dagger in my heart from twisting around. Pray for me. Please. Pray that I'll survive, because right now I'm not at all sure I will.